Lots of changes have been going on and I’ve been quite a busy lady, but not necessarily in a good way… Honestly, I’m a little burnt out, or rather a lot burnt out. I’ve been transitioning to making more content for the blog (I really want it to be more like a magazine than a blog), stepping away from doing many events (because honestly I can’t do it anymore), pulling in new sponsors for the blog and just trying to make it all work… Even though most days it feels like its NEVER going to work.
Meg’s article on Entrepreneurship: Change & Growth really hit home for me. Its true, every day you run a business it constantly evolves and changes and somedays all I crave is a steady, boring, routine. While its exciting to be working on projects with some of the best in the business, that doesn’t necessarily pay my bills and it comes to a point where you start to wonder whether the art I’m creating is worth it, does it give any value to the world? Is the creation of something pretty worth the stress and heartache it causes me?
In a lot of ways, I’m sick of being an entrepreneur, sick of trying to make decisions, figuring out what to do, how to grow the blog, how to gain readership, how to make sure this week’s flower post gets more repins, seeing how many comments this post got, it all adds up to feeling like I’m constantly not good enough, that everyone is ahead of me, that everyone has more twitter followers and more “likes” on Facebook. And honestly, I’m sick of it. Life is not meant to be measured by meaningless social media stats, page views, and comments. I struggle everyday to not fall into this trap but its really, really, hard.
Even now, as I write this, I start to think, will anyone care? Will this post get tweeted and re-tweeted or become part of a “Weekend Link”? It is such a sick and vicious cycle and some days I just want out. Some day I want to just pull the plug, find a 9-5 job and call it a day. No more tweeting, facebooking, submitting to wedding gawker, blah blah blah, just silence.
But I know if I did that, I would label myself a failure because my dream and all my hard work didn’t amount to anything. Everyone wants to have a successful blog that makes money and for some reason some blogs get there and some don’t. But, its the why that kills me. Why are some blogs successful and other aren’t? Is it just luck? Timing? I think I produce good content, and provide something beautiful in a world where that can be hard to find, but at the end of the day that doesn’t mean my page views are where I want them to be. So then I think, what am I’m doing wrong? Or am I simply not good enough?